With or Without You
by LadyBarlow
Summary: Nick Jordan and how he copes without Zoe, he is just merely existing. Runs alongside RasberrySmile's amazing Merely a Shadow but in Nick's POV but you need to read that fic first. Hope this works eeekk
1. Chapter 1

_**Ok guys, welcome to the new story. I am going to try and run it alongside the fic 'Merely a Shadow' by Rasberry Smile, so you might need to read hers first (do, its very good!) This is going to be Nick's version of life without Zoe! (but for how long) I hope it will run alongsie the other brilliant fic, but it may end up taking its own course somewhere along the line.**_

_**As always, none of the charcters are mine but I wish they were coz then nick and Zoe could live happily together! All mistakes are mine (sorry)**_

_**I would like to dedicate this fic to RasberrySmile AKA Ellie because without her awesomeness, this would not be possible. I love you man :) Enjoy...**_

_**CHAPTER 1**_

He was awoken by the sound of the radio alarm clock blasting out some piano concerto. He groaned and reached over to turn it off. The warm summers light burst through the cracks in his curtains and he squinted his eyes to block out the glare. It was 6am and he was not in the mood to get up. He had not been sleeping at all well over the past few nights and he found himself dropping off, to be rudely awoken 2 or 3 hours later. His head was pounding. He rubbed his temples in circular motions with his index fingers and then glanced to the empty side of his bed. There was no indentation in the pillow where a head would have been. There was no jet black hair falling gracefully over her soft, beautiful olive skin. He shook his head hard, as if willing to smash the image into pieces and shake it out of his ears. _GET A GRIP NICK! he thought._ She hadn't been next to him in his bed for months, well 8 months to be exact, and he had gotten used to it, so what was different now? Now, he wouldn't see her everyday. Now he wouldn't get to speak to her everyday, even if it was only to be rude. Before, she would have been there and although he didnt like to admit it, he loved that small sense of security her mere presence gave him. Now she was gone, 150 miles gone, and his security had gone with it. _Appleby. I mean where the bloody_ _hell is Appleby anyway?_ He said out loud. He tutted and dragged himself out of bed and into the shower.

The shower had helped him relax a bit. He came out of the bedroom hurriedly trying to fasten his tie. He had put a bagel into the toaster and he was afraid it would burn. He popped the toaster up just in time, as the bagel was beginning to turn black on the edges. Zoe hated it when he burnt stuff. He always manged to blacken the toast, crumpet or said bagel and Zoe would sit scraping the black bits off with a knife. He laughed out loud at the thought. He picked up the bagel and a knife, but his thoughts remained with Zoe. She had held her hand out for him to shake it, to say that final goodbye. Instead he had grabbed her into a hug. He didn't want to let go of her. He remembered breathing in her scent, how amazing she smelt. He could still smell her now. Why did he let her go? Why didn't he stop her? he cursed himslef inside, right at the same moment as he sliced into the bagel that bit too far and cut straight into his hand.

"OUCH! SHIT!" He cried out loud, as his palm began to fill with crimson red liquid. He threw the bagal against the wall in frustration and went over to the sink to wash his hand. However much he tried, he could not stop the bleeding, so he wrapped a bandage around it roughly, grabbed his blazer and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door as he left.

On arrival at the ED, he pulled into what was his usual spot, to find Miriam in his place once again. He tutted _that woman eerrggh. _He pulled alongside her and opened the electric window.

"What do you think you are doing Miriam?" He asked grumpily.

"Morning to you too Nicky." She replied cockily.

"Number 1 its Mr Jordan and number 2 get out of my parking space." His tone portrayed his awful mood as he spoke.

"I dont see your name written on it." She said smiling and flounced off. He pulled up behind her again and got out of the car, slamming the door on exit. He picked up his briefcase and marched towards the ED. Miriam was standing outside the doors waiting for him.

"Someone got out of the bed at the wrong side today didn't they Nicky?" She teased, trying to make him lighten up. It didn't work however.

"Really Miriam Im not in the mood for your childish games today OK?" He replied in his most stern voice. Miriam took a loud inhalation of breath as she watched him storm into the ED.

"Good morning Mr J" Noel said cheerfully.

"Is it?" Nick snapped back and continued on to his office. Noel spotted Miriam following behind and asked, "Whats up with him today?"

"love sick" she replied and winked at Noel who looked rather confused.

Nick barely had chance to put his things down, before he was back out on the floor, checking through waiting times and files. He had his back towards the department skipping through paperwork, just as the doors crashed open and Dixie and Jeff appeared with a teenage lad.

"This is Joel. Picked up outside an all night rave. Suffering from MDMA overdose. BP is low and he is tachycardic. Monitoring core body temperature to ensure he doesn't suffer from hyperthermia."

"Mr Jordan?" Tess called for help. He was the only senior Dr around, but he continued to look at his papers.

"MR JORDAN!" shouted Tess sharply. He looked up and realised what was going on. He rushed over to the patient and walked by the trolley as Dixie and Jeff wheeled him into resus.

"ok what do we have here Dixie?" She looked at Tess and Tess looked back at her and shrugged. So Dixie reeled off everything again, before leaving resus.

"Ok I need a blood sodium test STAT and Jay watch that temperature." Ordered Nick. Tess handed him the test results. "Ok Joel here is suffering from Hyponatremia" Jay looked at Nick puzzled. "Basically nurse Faldron, not only has he poisoned himself with this rubbish, but he has effectively drowned himself as well."

"Ok I need to get a line in, we need to get his sodium levels up and Jay, he has overdosed I need chlorpromazine STAT and diazepam on standby incase he starts to have convulsions." Jay prepared the syringe as Nick and Tess sorted the sodium. The boys temperature began to drop and his heart rate steadied slowly. Jay handed the syringe to Nick, just as Miriam walked into resus.

"What do we have here?" She asked curiously

"Its all under control Miriam thank you" Nick flicked the end of the needle to ensure all the air was out. He suddenly had a flashback to when Zoe had administered the femeral block incorrectly. He remembered how he had jumped to her defence without even batting an eyelid. He remembered how he had tried to comfort her outside by placing a tender hand to the small of her back. It had felt so good protecting her. He loved to protect her.

"NICK JORDAN!" He heard Miriam yell, "Are we back in the room." He looked at her and she nodded down towards the needle in his hands. His right hand was shaking uncontorllably, just like it had when he first became ill. He opened and closed his fists several times, but he could not stop it.

"Do you want me to do it?" Miriam asked.

"I certainly DO NOT!" snapped nick. He attempted to stop his hands again. He was beginning to get annoyed at himself and a bead of sweat dripped down his flushed cheek. "Mr Jordan" she said softly and held her hand out. He knew he would have to give in, he just couldn't keep his damn hand straight. He slammed the syringe into Miriam's palm and smashed the resus door open with all his might, before storming off to his office.

After that incident, Nick managed to stay in his office for the remainder of the day and everyone had kept out of his way. Of course,Jay and Tess had come up with excuses to visit his office for this signature and that evaluation just to keep an eye on him. He sat and pondered at his computer. His head really hurt and he felt nautious. He opened his desk drawer to retrieve some pain killers, but he found an empty packet. _Bloody Zoe and her hangovers _he thought. The empty shells she had left behind in the packet reflecting the empty soul she had left behind in him. That's what he was without her, empty. He had nobody to banter wit, nobody to wind up, nobody to frustrate him in that aggrivating but perfect way in which she did. Nobody to be there for him to talk to. Nobody to love him. He picked up his iPhone and subconciously began scrolling up and down, not paying attention to the screen, but stroking his thumb up and down as memories filled his mind. He stopped after a while and realised what he was doing. He looked at the screen. 3 solitary letters stood out at him like he had been stabbed in the heart. Z, O and E He wanted to dial the number, see how she was getting on in her new ED, see if she had settled, see if she missed him as much as he missed her. Just then Miriam burst in and made him jump.

"Are you still here?" He asked dryly.

"Oh yes Nicky, cant get rid of me that easily." She smiled.

"Yes how unfortunate." He replied dryly.

"Listen, moping around like a lost puppy is not going to do you, me or this ED any good you know." she said sarcastically

"I beg your pardon." He replied.

"Look Nick, I know whats going on. And before you protest, we were here only a few days ago, until Mads interrupted us." She paused and waited for him to protest. He didnt. For once he just listened. "So go home, drop off your car and I will eagerly wait to hear how the delightful Dr Hanna has turned the arrogant Nick Jordan into an old sap." With that she went to leave the office. She glanced back at him and smiled and he nodded at her, giving her his approval to the rendevous she had placed in front of him. He hated talking, but right now the one thing he needed was a stiff drink because the other thing he needed was 150 miles away starting a new life.

**_Well thats it. Its so hard writing Nick without Zoe, so sorry if its crap. Hes not the easiest character to become in your head. Im much better at being Zoe. The spell check isnt working either on here. What is up with this at the minute? everything is going wrong. LOL please, please, please review. I need to know if this works. Oh and if this does suck, its all mine and has nothing to do with the other story lol! _**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Howdy folks. Glad you liked the first installment. I hope I can continue writing to your satisfaction, it isn't easy believe me! Anyway enjoy :) Im not really a fan of Miriam, so I have found this incredibly difficult to write. Apologies that its short, but I need to catch up with Zoe in the other fic lol. I work long hours and different shifts, so I apologise my updates aren't as quick as they should be. **_

_**Chapter 2**_

Nick was extremely reluctant to meet Miriam for a drink. He really needed one, something stiff to take the edge off, but he knew that would involve talking. Nick Jordan did not talk. Not about his feelings, private life or anything that remotely resembled having a heart. He sighed as he stood outside the wine bar. He pulled out his phone, half wanting to call Miriam and call it off. However ,he really needed a drink, and he knew being the old trout that she was, she would irritate it out of him at work if he didn't go inside. He fiddled with his shirt, he had lost the tie at home before coming back out again. He sighed and walked into the bar. He eventually spotted Miriam sat in a booth in the corner. She waved and signalled him over. _What am i doing? _He said under his breath and walked over to join her.

"Aahhh Mr Jordan, I took the liberty of ordering us a bottle of Prosecco and a whiskey chaser for you."

"Evening Miriam." he said dryly as he sat down. "Trying to get me drunk are we?"

"Me Nicky? never. Im trying to get you to start talking. See I was always sure you had a great big black hole in your chest where your heart should be, clearly I was mistaken." She said and smiled.

"Really Miriam, Im not in the mood to talk. I just want to drink my drink and forget about this nonsense." He picked up his whiskey and necked it back.

"Oh really? So we are describing Dr Hanna as nonsense now are we?" She pushed.

He tutted and sighed. "Look Miriam, Im fine. I wasn't feeling up to my usual standard today that's all, and it most certainly had nothing to do with Dr Hanna." He was such a liar. He swigged back the wine and felt it run down his throat. Miriam stared at him.

"Well I did wonder, she didnt strike me as your type Nicky. From what I have oserved and heard she's Common, cocky, and been around the block a few times if you know what I mean?" She stated.

"I think that's a tad below the belt, don't you?" He snapped quickly.

"ooohhh defensive Nicky, overprotectiveness and touchiness are classic signs of the big L.O.V.E" She joked.

"Ok, Ok if you stop behaving like an adolescant child for 5 minutes, I will explain. Reluctantly may i add."

They had been old friends, she mentored him and however much they pretended to dislike each other, they had a mutual respect for each other and Nick felt like he could talk to her. Hell, he didn't have anyone else to talk to. So he began to explain the whole story; the tumour, the consent form, the reconciliation, the proposal and then the baby. The phantom pregnancy. This was the one thing that really cut into Nick. Not only did he have a child, to have it cruelly taken away from him, but also this was the thing that broke them. It not only broke them but it shattered them into tiny pieces and there was no way that it could be put back together again. The pieces had been swept up and brushed under the carpet, to be then rediscovered and tossed into the bin. It was over. Well and truly over.

"So there you have it failed relationship, no legacy and back to square one. Can I get on with my wine now." This was his final sentance and miriam could see how hurt he really was. He sipped back the final drop of wine and called the bar man over to bring another bottle of wine.

"Has she contacted you at all?" Miriam asked. He raised his eyebrow at her, his non verbal communication indicating to her to shut up. Miriam being Miriam, always did the exact opposite. "What? Im just asking."

"Well no she hasnt and No I havent had any contact with her before you ask and nor do I intend to in any way, shape or form. !" He said sternly.

"Oh right, thats funny you see I thought you signed the card on those flowers 'somebody' arranged to send to her." Miriam added sarcastically.

"That had nothing to do with me." He raised his voice, and she backed off. "and if you are quite finished I would like to talk about something else."

Miriam didn't want to push him any further. She knew he got even more irritated when he had had a drink. He wasn't a happy drunk, not that she had seen him properly intoxicated before, tipsy yes, but intoxicated never. Nick Jordan was far too reserved for that kind of behaviour.

They finished off the bottle of wine and Nick ordered a cab. They stood outside the bar and, being the gentleman that he was, Nick waited to put Miriam in the cab. He pulled his phone outy of his pocket and stared at the screen. He subconciously started flicking it around in his fingers, as if waiting for it to call. It didn't.

"Nicky, just call her will you?" Miriam tried again.

"Why would I want to do that?" He snapped back.

"Because, for one, I cannot stand this vile mood you have been in since she left." She smiled at him just as her taxi pulled up. She reached over and supportively touched his shoulder, "and secondly, I like MY staff to be in a happy environment in *MY* ED." They both laughed.

"YOUR ED? I think you will find that its my name going on that silver plaque. Now get into the cab you old trout, the meter is running." He winked at her and hugged her goodnight as he watched her set off with a small wave.

Nick arrived back at his apartment and kicked off his shoes. He sighed out loud. It was dark and empty, and smelt unlived in. He hated returning home to nothing, or nobody. He went into the kitchen and switched the kettle on to boil. He picked his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his message inbox. He had deleted any trace of her from his life. The **_love you xx_** texts were gone, the pictures were gone, all he had remaining were 3 letters and a 12 digit number. But those 3 letters and that 12 digit number made him ache inside. However much he tried to live in denial, he needed her, he wanted her just to be able to feel the touch of her face beneath his fingers would complete him. But she was gone, she had left him behind to die alone. And that was the thing that scared him the most, dieing without ever telling her how he really felt.

**_There you go. That sucked like epically Im really sorry. Please stick with it. Looks like Zoe might crack first? Stay tuned for the next chapter to see how Nick will respond. Thans most kindly for your wonderful review Sasha and to everyone else for taking time out to stick with this. Its so Hard but I love it! _**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hi Guys, hope all is well. Sorry its been a while but Ive been extremly busy with work and stuff with it being the easter holiday. Anyhow heres your next installment. Hope its ok. Its taking me longer than it would normally because its quite hard to write a bloke having feelings when he never does in the show. Anyway enjoy.**_

**CHAPTER 3**

It had been several weeks since Zoe had left, and Nick was getting used to it. He had typically thrown himself into work and had been doing extra long hours to make his admin and paperwork perfect. He had installed new systems here and there after Miriam's departure, and everything was running at its best. He did miss Miriam though, at least he could have someone to vent at if he needed to. Now he would go back to hiding everything and bottling it up, only letting it out when he exploded at one of the ED staff every now and again for nothing in particular. Nick had decided that he had spent the last few years on his own and that's the way he intended it to remain. He had no close friends and wasn't close to his family and he figured this was for the best. The only person he had let breakdown an inch of the barrier around his heart was Zoe, and look what had happened there. Everything had gone spectacularly wrong and now the barrier around his heart and become and impenetrable solid wall, one that could never be broken or climbed over again.

He had just finished work for the evening he was on a late. He had packed up his briefcase and had handed over to Adam. He was standing at the nurses station checking on the remaining files on what had been a very quiet evening in the ED. This was good in a way, as it had enabled him to stay in his office and complete the necessary tasks he had left in his admin. Adam strolled over to the station and plonked himself down infront of the computer monitor.

"I hate shifts like this, not even a drunk tonight!" Complained Adam.

"Oh I shall remember that DR Trueman and schedule you to be in every Friday and Saturday evening." Nick said sarcastically as he continued reading over the files.

"Anything's gotta be better than this." Adam added. He then span around to look at Nick, "So you doing anything this evening?"

"Well seen as its nearly midnight that will be a resounding no!" Nick laughed as he spoke.

"Oh right like that is it. Same as every other night then microwave meal for one and a glass of Prosecco. You need to get out more." Adam said. Nick banged his file on the desk and stared into Adam's eyes. "So Dr Trueman hows Kirsty?" The name Kirsty stabbed into Adam's heart and tore it open.

"Ok, ok point taken" Adam said as he held his arms in the air in surrender. He turned back to the computer.

" Thank you." said Nick and picked his files back up and began reading through them again. _Microwave meal for one the cheek!_ he thought to himself. Just then the crash doors opened and Dixie and Jeff arrived with a patient on a crash trolley.

"Looks like your wish has been granted." Nick said to Adam and smiled.

"Right this is Zoe" Was all Dixie managed to get out before Tess came running down the corridor followed by Jay both shouting "oh my god Zoe" in unison. Nick stopped dead in his tracks and dropped the file to the floor with a bang sending papers scattering around like there had been a natural disaster. Adam watched him, but Nick didn't notice. All the colour drained from his face and his mouth went dry as his saliva dried up in fear. He felt his stomach turn in knots like he was being flung around on a rollercoaster. It couldn't be Zoe, she was thousands of miles away in Appleby. What if she had done something stupid? What if she had driven to see him and had been involved in a RTC? The trolley came into view and he could see it was a young woman, nothing like Zoe. She worked upstairs in X Ray. He lent on the side infront of him and exhaled loudly with relief. He turned his head to see Adam staring at him, so he composed himself and bent to pick up the papers he had dropped. Adam bent down to help as well, not saying anything. As they picked up the last few bits of paper, Adam grabbed his wrist and said:

"Just call her Nick"

Nick looked at Adam with rage and Adam immediately let go. Nick stood up and placed the file back into its rightful place before picking up his briefcase.

"Goodnight Dr Trueman" He said sternly and walked towards the ED exit. He turned back to see Adam was watching him and mouthed the words "Thanks Adam" to him and they both smiled to each other as he left.

When he arrived home he kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket. He loosened his tie and removed it before tossing it over the chair. He went towards the cupboard in the kitchen and went to pull out a tumbler. It was hidden at the back of the cupboard right next to a white mug with a giant, purple letter "Z" on it. He retrieved both the glass and the mug from the cupboard and poured himself a whiskey. He held the mug in his hands and stared at the letter infront of him. That one letter represented everything he ever cared about in his life, and it was gone. That was ok though because he didn't love her anymore and he was happy to be alone. He swigged back the whiskey in a fashion that completely juxtaposed the last sentence that had been running through his mind. He poured another glass and went back to holding the mug. It was white, and inside it had a perfect tide mark where her endless cups of coffee had once sat. It was a mess and he laughed to himself that she had left it this way. It was just like her, a perfect mess. This made him angry and he threw the mug against the wall "That bloody woman!" he yelled out loud as the mug smashed into pieces and the perfectly formed Z was no more.

Nick walked into the living room with his drink and flopped onto the sofa. That is when he saw it. His answer machine was flashing with a big red number 2. 2 messages, who could they be from? It wasn't likely to be the ED as they would have paged him and at least tried his mobile. This was going to be someone who didn't want to speak to him face to face and would know he might be at work. It couldn't be? Could it? He slowly moved towards the machine, as the red light flashing from the machine lit up like a lighthouse warning ships away from the rocks. As much as he wanted to press the play button, he knew this might break him. "oh to hell with it" he said out loud to himself. He reached out his hand shaking and pressed the button, before screwing his eyes up in anticipation.

"you have 2 new messages first message received today at 11:15 pm"

"Nick, it's me," she began, with a slight slur in her voice, "I just wanted to tell you that there's this guy at work. He reminds me of you I think. I might be going for a drink with him but I don't know. Every time something happens I think about you. I can't stop. It's like some kind of disease. The harder I fight it, the stronger it gets. I saw a bloke the other day in a suit just like one of yours. I nearly tapped him on the shoulder expecting you to look round," Zoe paused for a second before remembering herself, "Fuck. I – I should go. I don't know why I called. Sorry." *******

Nick just stared in utter shock at the words that he was hearing echo through the room.

"Next new message received today at 11:20pm"

"When I said I didn't know why I called, I didn't mean it like that. Oh, I don't know what I meant Nick. Sorry. Anyway, I'm okay. I hope that you're okay. Bye."*******

The answer phone clicked off. She had called him. She had called him to tell him about her new fling. How dare she call him about her new fling. He replayed the message again. He listened as her Liverpudlian accent tripped over the words. He loved how she would pronounce certain words, it literally made him melt inside. She had called to ask if it was really over for them. She had called to show him she could move on if she wanted. He thought about someone else's hands on her soft skin, someone else getting to make her face glow with her beautiful smile and it made him feel physically ill. He didn't want her to move on and he missed her like crazy, but he couldn't be with her after all they had been through. Ultimately, she had betrayed him by lieing about the one thing he wanted more than anything in his life and he could't forgive her for that. He couldn't be with her, but he certainly wasn't going to let anyone else have his girl. She was his girl, and he loved her. He made a decision that he would call her back tomorrow evening, when she was likely to be out so he could leave a message, just like she had done to him. He had to tell her how he felt, he couldn't die without her knowing he would always love her.

_**Thats it folks. Hope you liked. Its hard when he hasn't been in the eps that much recently, so bare with me. Please, please review or I wont bother with this anymore, I need to know it's working. Oh and the spell check refuses to work anymore so sorry about that. Is anyone else having problems?**_

***** credit goes to Rasberry Smile's wonderful _Merely a Shadow _for these quotes xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys :) thanks for the kind reviews. Updates are a bit slow on this chapter because Rasberry Smile and I had to get together to concoct part of this. So thanks for your input in making this a success babes you are amazing! So here's chapter 4 just for you :0 enjoy...**

**CHAPTER 4**

After some deliberation, Nick had decided not to call her back. As much as he had wanted to call her the second he heard the message, he wanted to make her pay even more for what she had done to him. A few days had passed and Nick was managing ok. He hadn't smashed any cups, punched any doors or generally been an aggressive so and so, he had just got on with it. He had'nt deleted the voice mail though. It was still there waiting to be replayed on his phone, like a song programmed on the repeat function of an ipod. However, he wasn't at that place yet. He was still insistent on living without her, and he was making a good job of it so far, well that week anyway.

He had put himself on lates again, the nights were easier when he was tired. He could get home, take a shower have a couple of glasses of Prosecco and rest his aching legs. He had been getting jip from his knees over the past few weeks and had been using the painkillers from the drama with his head, for his knees. "Old man" Zoe would have called him. He smiled at the thought then wished she was there to massage his aching muscles and touch his body. He longed for her therapeutic and loving touch all over every inch of his tired body. He shook his head, and quickly shattered the image of her into pieces. He stood at the nurses station and reached his arm down his back, then back up pulling at his neck muscles.

"Hey Nick, why dont you have 5 minutes its dead out here and you look like you need it." Adam said with concern.

"Well thank you Mother Teresa, but I can decide if and when I need a break." Nick replied with a humorous tone, playing Adam in jest. Adam laughed out loud and shrugged his shoulders at Nick. He did feel exceedingly tired, even though he had 2 hours left on shift. He made his way to the canteen to get a proper latte, as opposed to the crap that came out of the machine in the ED. He retrieved his drink and stirred it. He pulled up a stool to the high counter and rested his chin on his elbow. The coffee cup in front of him wafted the scent straight up his nose. The essence of ground coffee inhaled through his nose until he could taste it on his tongue, the taste was so familiar. It tasted just like when he kissed Zoe after her morning coffee. He closed his eyes and let the taste invigorate. It evoked images in his mind of her, sat up, wrapped tightly in his silk sheets, a strand of black hair falling sexily in her eyes. She would smile and sip her coffee before getting out of bed and Nick would sit by her and watch her every move. He would rest his arm around her protectively as she comfortably sat back and sipped her coffee, just breaking away every so often to meet his tongue with hers in a passionate kiss. He suddenly pushed back from the counter. He stood with the coffee cup and walked towards the exit of the canteen. The voice mail really had messed with his mind and he didn't like it one bit. He took one more intake of breath up his nose, to let the scent of the coffee, and Zoe, surround him for the last time, before slam dunking into the bin.

He walked back through the ED and picked up some paperwork from reception. "If anyone needs me Ill be in my office, but Id like very much if I wasn't disturbed." He uttered.

"Right you are Mr J" Said Noel as Nick glared at him in disgust. "Whats up with him now?" Noel asked as he shrugged his shoulders.

"Hes just being his charming self" Uttered Adam in response.

Nick sat at his desk and picked up his iphone. He twirled it around in his hands, occasionally making a sound as it banged on the desk. He picked it up and went through his contact list until he reached the end of the alphabet. He went onto the edit information tool bar and hovered his finger over the contact. He looked at the clock, it was 10:45pm. He looked back at the phone and the words DELETE CONTACT ZOE shone out at him. His finger hovered over it again, but something inside stopped him. He looked at the clock again and said_ oh sod it_ out loud to himself and pressed call instead. He swallowed hard as his mouth went dry. He went to ring off the call but then realised that she would know his number and that he would look even more foolish. He tried to swallow his fear and anguish back to where it had come from. Then he heard it, a faint hello, drowned out by what sounded like a bar full of people in the background.

"Zoe?" He asked trying hard to distinguish if it was really her that answered. She took a while to respond to him.

"Hi..." was all she managed. It sounded like she didn't know what else to say.

Nick strained his ear to hear the ambient noise behind her. Yes she was definetly in a bar which meant she wasn't alone. Nick suddenly realised where she would be and who would be with her.

"You seem a bit distracted, anyone would think you were on a date." He said trying to be

"Well... actually I am" The words stung his ears and the wall around his heart immediately got an extra layer of bricks. That's it she was out of there for good now.

"oh the date you were so intent in mentioning on that rather innappropriate answer phone message?" He could hear the cogs whirling in her head as the memories of that night returned to her even if they were slightly hazy.

"About that, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it."

"I could decide to take offence but that would no doubt lead to a long discussion of sorts" He was brilliant at diguising his feelings, pretending he didnt really care when actually it was breaking him. She sighed and said nothing

"and on that note ill leave you with another harmless victim. Enjoy the rest of your date, Doctor Hanna." He said, his voice now portraying a hint of anger.

"Nick.." It was too late, he'd hung up. He slammed his phone against the desk. Why had he called her? what did he expect her to do? Jump on the next train out of there back to him and live happily ever after. He didnt even know if he would ever forgive her so calling her was the most ridiculous thing he had ever done. He picked up his paperwork and walked over to the filing cabinet. He opened the door and shifted through the dividers to the back, then he saw it. He picked it up and placed the paperwork in the correct divider. It was a photograph of the two of them looking happy and content, arms around each other. He had called her because he missed her, because he loved her and however much he tried to forget it, he couldn't. But it was too late, she had someone else and right now Nick could kick himself for letting her go.

Right on cue, at the worst possible moment, Adam marched into Nick's office.

"Have you not heard of common Courtesy Dr trueman!" Nick said angrily as he dropped the photograph to the floor. Of course it had to land the right way up so Adam could see who the picture was of. Adam's eyes went down to the picture and up at Nick. Nick rubbed his forhead with his fingers.

"Nick are you ok?" Adam asked with concern.

"Yes I am fine!" He raised his voice.

"You dont look so hot. Why don't you just call her?" Adam asked with caution.

"For your information,I just did that Dr Trueman, and she is very happy with someone else so if you have quite finished GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" He yelled.

"Oh" On that note Adam left the room. He knew how far to take it and right now Nick needed to be alone.

Nick grabbed his jacket and his briefcase. He bent down as he left the office and picked up the photograph. He growled angrily as he ripped it into pieces and disgarded it, and her, into the bin. He turned off the light and looked back at his sofa. Thats where it had all begun, and this is where it would all end. She had moved on with her life, and thats exactly what he was going to do. He slammed the door shut, as if slamming the door firmly closed on that part oif his life!

_**well there you go guys. Thanks to rasberry smile for her wondeful input, as always. I really hope you guys are liking this and please do review. I really appreciate you taking time out to comment and it makes me know that people are still reading and care :)**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Hi guys. Massive apologies for the delay in updates but myself and Rasberry smile have a reeally good excuse, we went to Bristol :) It was epic and we run like 3 fan sites so had to catch up on all that so this has had to take a back seat. Anyways, Im back so here comes the next chapter. Hope you enjoy.**_

_**Chapter5**_

Nick was at his desk working hard as per usual. He was getting on with things like he did before. He hadnt always had Zoe, he didnt need her. He missed her friendship and their banter but it was something he could find with someone else. Well, this was what he liked to tell himself anyway. He was busy filling in reports for the board and had let Adam take the reins over the past couple of weeks. If he was honest with himself, he would admit that he hadn't been feeling his usual self. He had been getting headaches, and today was not an exception. He rubbed his temples and opened the drawer to take out some painkillers. Headaches were all part on parcel of his illness, but they were becoming more frequent. Nick being Nick was too stubborn to acknowledge the monster in his head, and preferred to tell himself he had a virus. He tipped his head back ready to take the meds as Adam burst through the door.

"Nick eer" He started and then realised that Nick was taking some meds. Nick quickly withdrew his hand away from his mouth and knocked back some water to disguise what he was doing.

"A little bit of decorum please, Dr Trueman." He uttered.

"Sorry I was just coming to warn you that Henry had a visitor with him and he's about to walk through the ED." He stopped and added. "Are you ok you look a bit.."

"Yes Dr Trueman Im fine. There are more pressing things to attend to here. You need to be on the floor off you go ill be out in a second." With that he ushered Adam out. Adam smiled to himself. Being spoken to like a child by its headmaster always made him laugh now, when once it angered him to the core. Adam rounded the corner to see Henry talking to a tall lady. She looked important and he wanted to make a good impression. Just as he had summoned the courage to approach, he heard the familiar footsteps echoing through the corridor.

"aaah Mr Jordan this is..."

"Ms Lively" Nick cut in and Henry looked puzzled. "and to what do we owe this pleasure." He added.

"Mr Jordan, nice to see you." She smiled back.

"Ms Lively is a consultant from St James she is coming over to help in neuro part time for us whilst their lead is away." Henry explained. "Her expertees will be greatly received." Henry added.

"Of course, with her sound education and background, shes one of the best." He smiled and Henry looked puzzled. "We attended med school together. Still got a little bit further to go to be the best though right?" He smiled his cheeky grin just as Jay called out from resus.

"Mr J? You're needed in here asap." Nick raised his eyebrows at the informal use of his name and answered "Yes nurse faldron." and walked away. Frances smiled to herself. She had secretly hoped she would have got more from her school girl crush than she did and probably would have if Christine fletcher hadnt gotten in the way. She moved off and followed Henry's lead.

As it got closer to the end of Nick's shift, he sat at his desk and sighed. He put the remainder of his paperwork to one side, and rested his chin on his elbows. He closed his eyes and tried to shut off the thumping in his head. It sounded grossly similar to the noise when you close your eyes at 6am after being in a nightclub, and the familiar repetetive beat of the bass echoes in your ears and through your head. It took him a few seconds to register the knocking t the door.

"Come in!" He called and pretended to be organising his files.

"Mr Jordan." He looked up immediately and smiled. It was Frances.

"Frances, twice in one day. What have I done to deserve this?" he asked cheekily.

"Nice to see you havent changed." They both laughed uncomfortably and she continued. "Actually Nick, I just wondered if you fancied a drink tonight. I mean, I hear you have worked on neuro for a brief time of late and I could do with a heads up, pardon the pun."

"Well I have got an awful lot of admin to complete." He replied.

"Oh no bother, just a thought. Ill get out of your hair." She uttered quickly and nearly walked into the filing cabinet in a rush to get out of the office. She was embarressed and wanted to get out as quickly as possible. Nick sensed this and immediately jumped to her attention.

"Hey, hey. Wait. A night of discussing the incompetence of the bigwigs upstairs, how enthralling." He winked at her. "Ill meet you in sakis about 8pm." She smiled at him and shook her head. "You never change." and with that she was gone.

Nick stood outside the wine bar and lent against the lampost. He checked his rolex watch, 8:05 pm, she was late. Typical. He rubbed his temples and then put his hands into his pants pocket. He had picked out his grey slim fit dress trousers and white shirt. He looked dashing, as always. He didnt really fell like being out, he just wanted to go to bed. He was shattered, but it was evident his friend needed him, and he was sick of being stuck inside his apartment alone. Eventually, Frances arrived in a short black dress and enormous heels. It made her look taller and excentuated her finest assets.

"Late as always Frances." He called. She walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek.

"Im worth the wait" She replied and walked inside the bar. He followed behind her smirking to himself.

They sat in a booth and began chatting about this and that. Frances had told him about the transfer and Nick had told her endless stories about his attempts to go back to surgery. They had managed to get through a bottle and a half of red when the impending question Nick had been dreading came to the forefront.

"So how are you?" She asked.

"Im possitively wonderful" He replied and laughed.

"I mean it Nick, how are you? You havent been to see me in a good few months. I do worry."

"Im fine Frances." She looked at him knowing he was holding back. "Ive been having the usual headaches, I get a bit tired. So I cant run a marathon anymore? I can still run an ED." He winked at her.

"and hows Dr Hanna?" She asked and raised her eyebrow playfully at him. He coughed and downed his glass of wine before filling it up again. He sat back and sighed.

"Well..." she asked again.

"I dont want to talk about it." He said sharply.

"Come on Nick, its me. I know what colour pants you were wearing when you lost the big V" She nudged him playfully.

"We had a bit of fun, it ended. Nothing much to tell really." He said dryly.

"Oh right, well when she was sitting day in and day out by your bedside without a break and constantly being a bitch to me about your treatment, it certainly looked like more than a bit of fun to her." Nick grinned to himself and then fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Ok, OK. We had a relationship, it ended badly. She left. Im on my own. Do I miss her? Yes everyday. Was it meant to be? NO. Am I over her? Yes. Its finished. There is that good enough for you." He uttered and took another swig of his drink. She could see the pain in his eyes, something she had never witnessed before.

"It doesn't look like you are over her to me." She uttered and swigged the wine. He turned to her and put his leg on the bench and his arm around the back of the booth.

"Seriously Frances, Im ok. I wasn't for a long time, but Im good. It was one thing after another, its better this way." She smiled warmly at him.

"You went through so much." She said to him and softly placed a comforting hand on his leg. "Im sorry" She said. He paused briefly and looked her in the eyes. His head felt a little wuzzy and he put it down to the drink he had. He put his left hand on top of the one that was resting on his leg.

"Im not." he answered seductively. He then moved her hair back with his other hand that was round the back of the booth. She looked stunned but felt herself being magnetised towards him. They both moved together slowly, locking their eyes with every move. Then he leaned in close enough and kissed her. He kissed her softly and then when he felt her kiss him back he became more passionate. Suddenly he pulled away.

"Aaaahhh" He said and clutched his head.

"Nick its Ok that shouldnt have happened its the drink." Nick tried to lift his head up. His vision was blurred as he tried to blink to see what was happening. "Nick. Nick are you ok?" She asked. She took his head and turned his face towards her. "Look at me." She said as she stood up worried. He could not focus on her and he kept groaning in pain. "Ok can you tell me whats wrong?" She said panicked.

"Head... hurts" He managed to slir and then slumped to the side.

"Someone call for an ambulance NOW!" She shouted. "and get me some water." She tried to sit him up and kept talking to him. he was really confused and dazed, and appeared to be drifting in and out of conciousness. "Its ok Nick, everyhtings ok. Try and stay with me, we are going to get you to hospital." She said softly.

"Nooooottt... Hoollby" He managed to utter. He was fully aware of his surroundings, but was finding it difficult to communicate, which could only mean one thing.

"Hey its the best ED in the country remember." She joked.

"Nooooooooo!" He cried, and with that he was out cold.

**_Oh no! Poor Nick! Hes sick. Hope that didnt suck too much, Im not great at this. Im missing writing with Zoe. LOL. Thanks for reading and thanks to Ellie, my darling, you are my inspiration xx Please review or I will give up. _**


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